Boy if there is one thing to make you write it is a bit of an emotional crisis…..

So the vibe around here is 100% different today.

As I mentioned before I am not sure why I am not embracing this. I mean, since he made this decision it’s like I finally living with a grown man and not a horny 21 year old frat boy.  there is NO pressure about what I am doing at the end of the night.  I don’t have to worry about approving porn or not. It’s freakin awesome actually.  I think I was/am just hurt about how it all came to be and some of the things that have been said.

So tonight he comes home and says to me, exactly that. He doesn’t understand why I am not embracing this. And why I am not happy that he isn’t cracking that’s what she said lines every five minutes. He said, I’m a guy, I will have to cave eventually.

It almost seems as those what he wants is what I am suggesting…in a weird way. That we are taking a break and starting over. Eventually.

I asked him tonight why he is unwilling to meet me half way on certain things like leaving the lights off. He said b/c of all that goes along with that. I guess that means b/c leaving the lights off means I have baggage??? I don’t know but whatever. I said look, those are the kinds of baby steps I am talking about.  Saying that ok, I will get sex, with her on top if I leave the lights off so lets do that, I will earn her trust, let her know that I respect that right now she has issues. If she begins to trust me, to understand that i am not only saying I love her and I respect her, but that I actually do, then we can eventually get the lights on. But to start flipping out everytime she wants the lights off is getting us NO WHERE.

He said he had no idea that is what I was saying.

Are you kidding me?

oye vey.

Well I’ve got to get supper of some kind going before LOST comes on. I am not bringing this up tonight when we go to bed. Maybe for the first time in a few nights i won’t cry myself to sleep. That woudl be kind of awesome.

An another note, I got an email today from a friend from high school. Nope, not the boy. Still waiting for that one. He is kind of worrying me actually. i hope he is ok. But this is from a female friend. This gal and I used to be BFF’s. We had a huge falling out in college, made up, and then another one again after college. We lost touch for a few years then after that but about two years ago got back in touch again via email. Since then we have been ok. Catching up almost right where we left off.  We dont’ email as much any more but we do stay in touch. She sent me an email that she and her family (husband, two kiddos, and her mother) will be in my town for some serious shopping this weekend. They will be staying in a hotel for two nights. She wondered if we might get together and or if I could suggest some things for them to do in town with the kids.  I can’t tell you how this is stressing me out. As my husband says, dont’ my friends know they are supposed to stay IN my computer? LOL.  I am nervous wreck.  I mean, we won’t talk about how I can’t think of anything to suggest.  What I am worried about is being social. About getting together with her. But the thing is I have known her since we were 13? maybe even 12. It is ridiculous that I shoudl be so stressed. Her oldest boy is 6 and her youngest is 18 mos? so I am sure if I had them all over for dinner or something it would be fine. Fun almost, but the stress of it all is seriously making me want to say i have a trip back home to go to so oh too bad but while she is here I will be there. Ugh. What to do???  How weird am I that I need my friends to stay in my computer?  and chick from spanish class don’t worry, I woudl TOTALLY go out with you guys if you were here. Swear.  

Regarding the password

First off if you are new here, sorry but things are getting a little sensitive and personal and I need to be careful about who is reading my posts right now. So if you want to read it, just email me and after I make sure you aren’t family, my husband, or one of his co-workers I’ll give you the hook up. Thanks!

Protected: I think I just have to face facts

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It’s all so very hard.

We had a conversation last night about all of this.

I think ultimately there are two incredibly upsetting things about this.

1) he seems to think that this is hilarious. He did not think that I would be as upset as I am about it. And he thinks it is hilarious. He actually laughs out loud at me. He wants no kissing, then fine. no kissing. not even a peck on the cheek I say. He wants nothing that will lead to fornication of any kind, then fine, I hid my favorite cologne that he wears. I mean, it is one thing if we are trying to relight a fire and we are pretending to be dating again. That would kind of make sense to me, let’s start over, let’s make out and then pull the plug. Let’s get to know each other again, b/c clearly there is something wrong. But to just say nope, no more sex. I don’t get it.  Which leads to the second upsetting thing.

2) It would appear that it isn’t that he is going all monk on me and taking some kind of oath of celibacy. no. He just doesn’t want sex with ME anymore. He still wants his porn. He is STILL advocating for a mistress. And that last one, the mistress, omfg. I thought that was all just some sort of weird unhealthy joke. But um, no.

so last night we were in bed and I was trying to figure out the rules to all of this. And where it all came from. Was this just because I don’t like him to (and I can hardly even type this out, I am so sorry in advance for these words) go down on me? Or is there something else going on? He said that was not all of it. Ok well then what is it. And again, sorry about the language, I don’t know what else to say , but I don’t like being on top. I mean, I don’t like it now. Now being, humungous me. Yes, I understand that we are ALL generally heavier than we were at 23. But I’m not talking about that i’ve packed on 30 pounds. I’m talking that when we met I was about 165 and now I would guess I am pushing 300. So this is a significant difference.  I don’t like being up there b/c I think I am squashing him, b/c I am uncomfortable up there, it is physically uncomfortable for me. So I am not enjoying it. He doesn’t get it. He think I shoudl just do it. I dont’ want to have the lights on when we are in that position either. And trust me, it isn’t dark. There is a night light in our bathroom that shines down the hall and right onto the bed. I swear I could read a book. So I think that is plenty of light. For god’s sake he knows where everything is right.

So I say to him, I will be willing to hop up if we keep the lights out. And his response, “what good does that do me?”

um, ok, so glad we are tryign to work through this.

so then I go into how I am troubled by the fact that he is swearing off of sex with me, his wife, b/c this whole, in his words, physical spiritual connection isn’t here, but in practically the same breath he is telling me that he is upset that I won’t let him go get it somewhere else. I say I don’t understand. He says that there are people that can have just a sexual relationship with other women and be done with it. That there is no emotional stuff with it. It is just sex. And he says he is one of those guys. I ask him how he knows because to my knowledge, he has had 4 partners. I am the 4th, and with the other three it was exclusive. And there was no one in between all of them. So how does he know?

It is all just so frustrating. He starts telling me how I knew this about him, and wants to know if I think he is a monster, and don’t I know that it woudl come with some guilt on his part. Like none of that even makes sense. If you have guilt then you cannot be just having sex, I mean, how would that work? And no I didn’t know that about him. Yes, I realize that for the most part men tend to be a little more randy than women and that they do talk about that kind of stuff. But he goes on so much about why he picked me to marry, and what a wonderful woman I am and a wonderful mother and on and on and on that I cannot understand how he would want to do something like that, something that would cause me pain.

I am babbling I am sorry I am just tyring to get this all out. I am not even sure if I am going to hit publish or save draft yet. It is all so deeply personal and I want to have a record of it, but I am just not sure about sharing. I mean, it has been wonderful to feel the support i am getting, that I am not a freak, but at the same time I feel ashamed of all this and embarassed and not sure that by sharing I am doing the right thing.

god I know there was more to the ocnversation last night i mean, i ended up in tears and asleep on the couch but for the life of me I cant’ remember any of it right now. It’s been an extremely long day. I hardly slept at all last night and it’s been go go go all day. No nap for the little guy and lots of driving and baking for a playgroup cookie exchange tomorrow. Assuming we dont’ get the two feet of snow they are predicting.

I am just so so confused.

While I am horrifically upset at all of this, there is a sliver of me that feels relief, you know? the pressure is off. The juvenial penis and va-jayjay comments are done. The constant CONSTANT turning everything into sex comments.  But that relief could have come just as easily if we had stopped having sex together but started over, as I mentioned above. Just wipe the slate clean, try to start over and start having sex together as the people we are now. Why can’t we just start over.

This is all just so terribly confusing.

I guess I should have seen this coming.

I’ve been mulling over how to post about all of this for a few days now.

I mean, once its all out there, it’s all out there right?

But I don’t feel like any of this makes sense or that both sides can be understood without more background.

But if you’ve read my space here for any amount of time you already know that it is impossible for me to Reader’s Digest ANYTHING.

I don’t do quick summaries. I can’t. I’m about the details.

The hub and I talked about things a bit in the car today on our way to breakfast. I cried. He was shocked I was crying. Thought I’d be very pleased about this whole situation. I said I am not pleased about how it came to be.  After random conversations today I have determined that not only is sex off the table, but anything I might want to do to him is off. Anything naked is off. And here is probably what hurts the most, kissing. He has taken kissing off the table. I am no longer allowed to kiss my husband.

When I asked him this morning about all of this, you know, if this meant we were “never doing it again” he said that he isn’t one to say never, but it is going to be a while.

He said that the little bit that we do “do” reminds him of how much more there is to do that we don’t.

And it is all just too much for him to deal with. What he is NOT getting.

let me remind you that pretty much all he is not getting, that he wants and that I am aware of, is um, well, taking care of moi.  And so I guess that is the deal breaker.

I cannot tell you how upsetting this is to me.

That I have damaged my marriage to this point bc of my lack of interest in something.

We met on somewhat of a blind date.

I came home from class in college one day to find a msg from my mother on my answering machine.

She is a hairstylist and had just given my phone number to a long time customer of hers. He was a graduate student at a major university back home. I was an undergrad at another major university some 200 miles away. I didn’t even know what a graduate student was.

She said he was heading to my campus for a lecture and knew that she had a daughter attending school there and wanted someone who could show him around. Turns out he has a bit of a fascination with my university. So if he had time he said he would like to give me a call and take me out.

He is social like that.

I was a wreck. My 21st birthday was about two weeks away and other than frat parties and mcdonald’s I wasn’t up on all the other drinking and dining establishments much less the night life.

So I turn 21, I make several mistakes that weekend (all for another post I assure you), and now we are at the weekend of the lecture.

It was a Thursday night. I was studying for an exam. I wasn’t sure if he was going to call but I was leaving nothing to chance. So I had showered and dressed just in case.

When he called I gave him terrible directions to my place from his hotel and it took him a while to get there.

When he knocked on the door I hid in my walk in closet and made my roommate answer the door and then come and give me a report.

When I saw him, well I thought he was cute, but he was wearing a blue jean jacket (this was 1995) and deck shoes with no socks. Also I think there 10 earrings between the two ears.

I was intrigued.

so off we went.

Well it is time for bed.

I’ll have to finish this later, but at least I started it so now I will have to finish the story. Maybe remembering all of that will cheer me up.

I need therapy so bad

The Hub.

He is starting to act a little more normal to me. Tells me that he loves me, that he will always love me, that he needs me. I say to him then why didn’t he come to bed with me the last three nights when a little sumthin sumthin would have been a practial guarantee? He said, don’t you remember the conversation we had the other night?

The conversation he is referring to of course is the one in which he told me that he thinks we shoudl become celibate in our marriage.

I suppose at the time I thought he was just saying that. It certainly isn’t the first time he has said that.

But it IS the first time it was followed up with.

so I guess I am just a roomie.

therapist warned me this might happen.

We have gone without nookie for a while I guess. but because I was sick and then away from home and then sick again and then on my period. And I just don’t do that. good for cramps I don’t care, it ain’t happening.

but now that he has a green light, I’m all for a go. but nope

well spaghetti is done.

bbl

So not good

It is nearly midnight and I am sitting here, at my computer which is where I’ve been for a good part of the day b/c I feel so lost, eating cookies and anxiously awaiting the next email from The Boy.

He started emailing me tonight via FB….said he needs to talk to me, that i am the only one who wants to hear it, it is private, and so on.

He doesn’t want to say it on email. He wanted me to call him. I said no can do. I told him it just wouldn’t be appropriate.

The hubs and I are still totally off. He won’t engage in coversation with me at all. He couldn’t be more detached from me unless he was in someone else’s living room.

told me tonight at dinner that he will “always love me” but he just might “not always like me”

it isn’t the first time I’ve heard this.

and I suppose to be honest, I’ve had those thoughts too, I mean, we all have our off days.  But I would never say it.

And I would have to say that it would be more like I love you dude but you are buggin the shit out of me.

but I dont’ think I would not like him.

yep, there goes cookie number 4 in 5 minutes. nice.

homemade.

cake cookies with pb chips.

can you tell I haven’t had therapy in about a month.

Maybe it would help my head if I told a story. Maybe I shoudl finish the story of how we met?

or California boy. or the knob that I dated for a month in college. Or the other knob I dated for a month in college.

or how valentine’s day never really works out for me ….

I am sure he is pissed at me for several reasons other than The Big one.

to be honest my housekeeping skills, pathetic as they are already, have taken a hike the last couple days. doing the bare minimum.

but between just getting over this whicked cold and my period, and now my son actually is sick again, it’s like who has the energy. But I think I may need to turn cleaning into therapy for myself.

I should just go to bed. the longer I stay up the worse it gets.

What does it all mean.

There are some details surrounding a conversation last night with my husband. Those details are things I am not quite ready to share out here yet.  But there was an incident. And his response to it was to give me an incredibly cold shoulder last night. When pushed about it he finally told me.

” you won’t give me the things I want but you won’t let me go (anywhere? somewhere else?) to get them”

this is regarding the bedroom. We will leave it at that.

He thinks we ought to become celabate with each other so that there are no expectations. Then no one (him) will be disappointed.

He was so upset as he spoke these words, his voice cracked.

he didn’t raise his voice, he stayed calm, but none the less.

my shrink repeatedly tells me I need to get healthy. physically and mentally so that I can better deal with this shit. So that I can honestly assess it and determine what to do.  But how can I do that, when it is this type of behaviour that drives me to the unhealthy habits I have.

I feel like I am over reacting, taking things too far. Reading too much into every single word he says.

I am not asking for pity. I just need to express this. to someone.  I don’t need to hear bad things about the hub, that is my place, not anyone else’s.

I don’t know what I need.

I’m ok

First of all to those who have emailed or commented, thanks. I am ok.

I am finally, finally, breaking free of this ridiculous cough that has plagued me for over a week. Now once I send my period packing I’ll be fully functional!

Let’s catch up shall we?

The hub and I chatted while I was still in FL about the incident with the ex coworker.  It was tough for me to talk about b/c historically when I have expressed my feelings about this kind of behaviour with him it hasn’t gone well. To my surprise he said he totally understood why I was upset.

There has been no talk of the ex coworker since that conversation.

I had so much that I wanted to say about this last week and as time has gone by I guess I’ve just brushed it away.

Hopefully my thoughts will come bakc to me.

I had to cancel therapy this week b/c i was so sick.

He is a great husband. I just have to say that. We just have our problems. Everyone does. I just talk more about the shit than the good stuff.

The Boy.

I’ve been emailing him.

It is all innocent though. Don’t worry.

It started, sort of, around Christmas.

I posted a comment to his FB along the lines of telling him to have a wonderful Christmas, etc.

He responded by asking me if I was in town for the holiday….of course I was. I was sitting at my mom’s kitchen table about a ten minute walk from his house. If that.

So I told him I was. He emailed me his phone number and told me to come. over.

After I got up off of the floor and stop blushing like I was 15 again I responded that it was not going to happen.  i didn’t go into the whole I am a married woman speech because let’s be serious here, like I don’t think he was doing a booty call or anything like that.  i really don’t. I told him maybe some other time.

That was really it.

Then I noticed that he was actually posting status updates now and again. But there were sort of, depressing, and truthfully I was worried.

I know that he is recently divorced. I know that he is divorced in part if not in full b/c his wife was sleeping with and got knocked up by their neighbor. I also know that he was out of work and looking for a job. I think he got the job but I wasn’t sure.

So I emailed him just to say hi. Just to reach out and let a person know that they were being thought of you know.

And then he posted something along the lines of how he didn’t like who he was or something like that.

It sounded so sad and so, so, just sad I guess. So I sent him another email. I shared some hilarious stories of he and I that I remembered and told him to hang in there and that i was here to talk if he needed it. I didn’t give my phone number though.

the next day I thought that my email sounded pathetic and desparate. Because if I were to be honest here I am reachign out to him b/c I care, but also b/c I will take ANY reason to talk to him. you just dont’ understand the attention I crave from this boy, still. It is sad I know. And I think I know why too but that is another post, I am working on it. I’ll try to finish that one later but I wanted to get this one out first.

so I emailed him AGAIN, I KNOW I KNOW IKNOW. And said that you know, I have a freakishly good memory and I was sorry if it freaked him that I remembered something about us from so long ago. He promptly wrote back that it didn’t bother him at all that it was good to know that someone still cared about him.

Sad.

So then of course I dreamt about him last night.

As usually it was nothing sexy or anything like that. It was interesting to put it lightly but as with ALL of my dreams about him, EVER, it was just he and I. together. hanging out. getting along. and wondering why we weren’t or couldn’t be together. I am so pathetic with this boy. God.  So be gentle in your comments b/c I already know how weird I am about him.

And if i were to see him, I am not sure what I would do. i would likely hide. i am so embarassed of my physical self in front of anyone from my past that I can’t deal.