out of synch

Out of Sync.

My normal state seems to be flying by the seat of my pants. And for the most part I am ok with it. But since we came back from vacation, I cannot get my shit together. Seriously.

Between being sick and the fight and my period showing up EIGHT DAYS LATE, I a little off.

And it is getting annoying. I am really really starting to crave a hard and fast routine. But my problem is getting the entire house on board.

So I checked out Healthy Sleep Habits again from the library. I like that book even though it is more for babies. Granted the copy that I get at the library is pretty old, but I think the info is still relevant. I am going to have the hub order the newest edition tonight actually. It just does a really good job at explaining why sleep is soooo important for the little ones. And not even just sleep but regular sleep. My sister got it when she was having some trouble with the twins sleeping and it worked miracles for her. It isn’t one you have to read cover to cover either. It is broken up into pretty good sections and you can jump around. It sounds like a no brainer right, that you should be getting kids their sleep but some days it just feels easier at the time to skip a nap or whatever and this books lets you know what you are doing when you do that. So when we get all screwy with our sleep and stuff it feels good to read it again. Just helps me feel better about insisting he take a nap.

I’ve also started, just tonight, trying to figure out Google Calendar. I thought that might be a good way to get super organized.  I use Yahoo right now, but it is kind of annoying and to be honest feels very primative to me. I am no computer geek, but I really just like the feel and look of Google so much better than yahoo. I am torn though, I have had my Yahoo account, since like 1998 and I love love love my account name and I have all my emails there. It would just seem weird to not have it. I don’t know. that’s a different post.

And food. Omg. We all know my ish with food so no point in going into detail there. But I am really getting the connection lately between how and what we are eating and how we function as individuals and together as a family. I think I mentioned that I started looking into this whole clean eating movement and so far I haven’t implemented one thing but I am really intrigued by it. It has a very good feeling about it. I can’t find words for what I am trying to say so I’ll leave it at that.

Today was just weird. We all had the dentist today at 2.  Olly and I got up early but the hub stayed in bed until 11:30 so then of course by the time he got up and showered it was too late to hit our regular Saturday lunch date. Every Saturday we go to Egg Harbor for lunch. Isn’t that website just beautiful! and OMG the food is so fantastic. SO yummy. And they all just adore my son there. it’s great. And their menu is such that when I do get my act together and start eating better, they are totally accomodating.

Ok, so b/c we were all starving we heading to another local favorite that is pretty much just down the street form the dentist. But it is hot dogs and hamburgers. they are to die for though.

So then off to the dentist and can I just tell you how freakin proud I am of my son!  He always comes with us but today was his first turn in the chair. I was worried he might be a little timid but hell no. He climbed right up and was asking what every thing was. It was great. He was so good. Let them count his teeth, scrape a bit, and even do a polish/brush. And they used the water spray thing and the suction. He was a champ. and then after my husband was done he got back up to let the dentist check his teeth.  so proud!

but three apointments back to back  and now we are talking about 4 or 5 o’clock…bellies were rumbling again. So we hit Subway on the way home. Very yummy. and then about 5, nugget wanted to crawl into bed with me for a cuddle and we ended up sleeping from abuot 5:30 to about 8:30 and now it is 11:30 and our bellies are all wonky and we aren’t really tired but yet we are.

We still don’t have a tree for Xmas. In fact all of the tubs with all my decorations and stuff have now been turned into a blanket fort in the middle of the living room. Which should tell you a little something about hte state of my living room as well.

Well we have a silky crisis right now, as in we can’t find it so I’ve got to go find it.

Thanks for stoping by,

Therapy

Back from therapy now for an hour or so.

It was a good session. Everything was as it should be.

No recently cut hair. No ties. No ice chomping.

What am I talking about?

I cannot stand it when things about my therapist change. For example when he has just gotten a hair cut. Can’t stand it.  He doesn’t look, well, right.

And this summer, he took to wearing ties. WTF?

I have a pretty good relationship with him and so I asked him, what gives with the ties?

He joked that he was just trying something new, trying to convince people he was smart.

I fired back, don’t worry I won’t tell.

Seriously. I did.

and then for a while, he sat and chewed on ice for the first part of the session. I don’t know if it was a test or what. I let him live, but it was close some weeks.

so anyway, today was great. Normal looking hair, dress shirt with a big old sweater pulled over it and no ice. He was pretty into what I was talking about, duh, The Thanksgiving Kitchen Incident of 2009, and as expected he agreed with me.

While he didn’t applaud my behavior during this episode he sort of did. By this I mean that I told him how I slapped my hand down and made my husband focus on the accusations he was whipping around without concrete examples.  When I would ask him what he meant by the kitchen being filthy and he would point to the clean juicer or the clean drink mixer on the counter and I told hi those were not examples of filth and demand an answer. That was good.  But sort of giving in to his behaviour, for lack of a better term, and sorting through the cupboards with him right then and there, not so great. Not bad mind you, but it sort of gave him the notion that maybe he won.

I don’t want to keep score. I don’t want a winner and a loser. I want respect.

I guess we are sort of over it now, the hub and I.  Especially after tonight I think I have a better understand of what is going on when he pulls shit like that. Clearly he is stressed about something. And well I just get the brunt of it. Is it right? Nope.  But it is what it is and I can’t waster anymore time on it.

What I need to work on it understanding that it isn’t me. And learn to not go to that dark place when we fight. This is part of the getting healthy bit. This is getting healthy both physically and mentally. Losing the weight, making better choices with regards to my food, making better choices with how I spend my time. And when I start to feel better about myself, when I start to feel better about myself, then things will sort of fall into place if you will. Then I won’t go to the dark place and be sad and wonder what to do. I will be able to say that’s it. I’m done.  Though truthfully both myself and my shrink don’t think the marriage will end. Once I start to get healthy he will follow suit and we will be fine.

Anyway, that’s all I’ve got for now.

Up for tomorrow, I’ve really got to pull my head out of my ass about sewing Christmas gifts and getting ready for Christmas.

I guess that’s what happens.

Great,  now my little nugget is coming down with the horrendous head cold that I am still trying to shake. I can just see it in his little eyes and hear it in his nose.

Well we went to the library today while he was still feeling ok and loaded up on some new books. Maybe tomorrow we will sneak over to the storage space and grab all the christmas tubs and then we have lots of fun stuff to do the next few days.

So the hub and I spoke a bit last night about the Thanksgiving Day Incident.

He started off with, You know i love you right?

Which without going into much of our history is his way of saying, this shit happens dude. Face it. We are married. We are married for like 12 years now, every day isn’t hearts and flowers.

So we talked. And it turns out that my hand slap on the counter from hell, was a wake up call to him. I suspected as much, I mean, I thought I perceived a shift in his ‘tude when I did that, when I held my own, when I stood up to his ass. And I was right. Except like a typical man, he was kind of turned on by it I guess. go figure.

And the thing is, if you look through my history here, this is not. a new. fight. Hell, it’s like a script we have between the two of us. Him with the name calling, me with the tears and feeling like a kicked dog. 

He claims we got a lot done that day in the kitchen. I guess we did. In his rage about how cluttered things were he finally broke down and got rid of stuff that I have been wanting to get rid of but that he had been hanging on to. Old cutting boards, wierd bowls that we got as gifts, just shit.  And for a while he will help me with the maint. of the kitchen. He will take his plate if not to the dishwasher, then to the counter, and he will put away the buns and the mustard when he makes a sandwich and he might even wash out a pan after he makes some weird concoction in it. But then that will stop. And for a while I will spend naptimes cleaning the kitchen. I will tie up and take down to the garage the garbage and the recyling whether they are full or not. I will unload the dishwasher the same day it finishes. I will wipe off the placemats and shake out the table cloth. And then it will stop. I’ll starting looking for my next sewing project on the computer or I will stumble onto my next favorite blog. I will reconnect with yet another friend on Facebook or get sucked into the pit of despair that is Bejeweled. And the kitchen will go from all clean and sparkly and better homes and gardenish, to well, i don’t know. Functional at best. Smelly? NEVER. Dirty? Not a chance. Messy, probably. Cluttered, you bet. Because that is how we roll. It is what it is.

and I could handle it without the name calling. it is the name calling that makes me hate. Because I have never ever claimed to be Martha Stewart or June Cleaver. What I promised when we had a kid was to be a good Mom, to run the little pissy errands that we somehow always needed to when we worked but couldn’t b/c we were, well, working, to pay the bills on time b/c now i would be able to have a system etc. And that, that my friends I have done. Laundry I have done. It’s just the damn kitchen that he seems to focus on. And I don’t get it.

So tonight i have therapy. Lots to talk about. Lots to figure out. Probably lots to say tomorrow.

Thanks for stopping by.

The one where I go out on a limb….with my writing

I feel like I’ve lost direction on here.

I started this blog as both a means of venting my frustrations and working on my writing. So when I saw Mrs. Flinger’s Post I knew I had to try this.

As is evident to most of you by now I don’t really know what I doing over here in many respects but seriously when it comes to anything slightly fancier than bolding text or adding a photo. So please hang in there with me as I figure this mr. linky thing out and work on my writing.

If you have been for a while you’ll recognize this next bit. But the first topic of the challenge is to write about an emabarrassing moment. Well folks, this is really all I’ve got. I don’t take many risks and like to stay behind the scenes for things, also things like toliet paper on my shoe or an unzipped fly doesn’t phase me. It takes a lot that way to really frazzle me. But matters of the heart, well that’s different. So I dipped into some of my better writing on here and cut and pasted. And  here you have one of my more embarassing moments.

The Boy. 

So I pulled out my old journals. I tried to read through them. I wanted to get it right when I told the story. But then I thought, you know, I am not writing a research paper so I am just going to tell it from my heart. How I remember it, because I’ve never forgotten it. We are talking about two kids really. They were roughly 17 years old. It was summer. Flip flops, beaches, tans, just figuring out who they are really.

He was the biggest something in my life that was really nothing. I mean, we never dated, we never kissed, we hardly ever held an intelligent conversation that lasted longer than our 15 minute break time.  He is the meaning behind, don’t cry because it’s over, smile b/c it happened.

I first noticed him back in 4th grade. Can I say that I noticed someone in 4th grade? I mean, really, I was 10…how do you “notice” some one? But I did.  He was a 5th grader and was going up the stairs after recess. And that is when it began. 1984.  But it got really good around 1991 when we started working together in high school.

 It was great. At first I was a nervous wreck around him. Wait, I was always a nervous wreck around him, even after we got to know each other a little bit, but it was a great nervous. You know the kind. The excitement of will he pick me, will he look at me or talk to me? Do we get off of work at the same time and will he give me a ride home….you know what I am talking about.

Over the course of two summers he found out that I’d had the hots for him since 4^th grade. He was actually annoyed at me. Annoyed that all this time I’d been so shy about it. How the heck was I supposed to know he liked me too? So the summer before he left for college, in fact what ended up being his last night on schedule with me, we went to the mini putt after work. I paid my way so it doesn’t even really count as a date I suppose but in my heart it did. It was awkward. It felt forced. It felt like some kind of a consolation prize. Which now I suppose makes sense.  In my little mind crushed by romance stories that I shouldn’t have been reading at 17 I had built this whole thing up into something it couldn’t possibly live up to. It wasn’t that our time that night was bad, but it was just weird. He dropped me off at home and what I will always remember is him asking me if I was going to put the score cards from the game in my diary. In my mind, from the moment we finished the game and I managed to walk off the course with that card I had been planning out the actual entry. But my mouth said, nope, why would I do a thing like that? And the heartless bitch in me, who didn’t want any boy to think he knew what I was thinking or that he was important to me in any way, tore those score cards up. Yep, you heard me, tore them right in two. But wait, it gets worse. As I left the car and went into my back yard I made a stop at the trash can and pitched them.  And just like that he was gone. Poof.

I didn’t see him again until October. It was a Friday night. I was a senior in high school. It was Oct 30, 1992. I was out at the football game. In my humble 18 year old opinion, according to my diary, I thought I looked pretty good!

I was hanging out with some of my guy friends and then I saw him. He was there catching up with old friends. Gosh, remember those kinds of Friday nights? Being a senior at a fall, home, football game. You were on top of the world. We made eye contact a couple of times, but didn’t speak.

The next day, Saturday-Halloween, I had to work the 2 – 7 shift at the store. I had just got to work when I saw him come in the store. I think my heart skipped more than a few beats. It was so silly. But he walked in and walked out. He didn’t say a word. So I just went to work and started scanning up a big order. The woman in my line was kind of a regular so we were making small talk and I wasn’t really paying attention to anything outside of my lane. I was mostly trying not to cry from him being in and gone so quickly.  Then I turned to scoot some items down the counter and he was standing right there!

 

D:  “Whatchya doing tonight?’

Me: “Nothing”

D: ” wanna go out for a movie or something?”

M:  (on the inside–OMG OMG OMG OMG) on the outside ” Sure, yeah”

D: “What time do you get off?”

M: “7″

D: “I’ll give ya a call.”

M: “Ok”

D: “Bye, I’ll call ya”

M: “bye”

Now, if that woman hadn’t been in my line I would have had to run into the dairy cooler and screamed. I was in shock. Is there something past shock? Because I was there.

I think I even explained the whole thing to her. I was like what am I going to wear???? I’d not been on but ONE single solitary date to this point, and that guy I was kind of friends with already so it didn’t really even count. I was flipping out.

So I ended up getting off early but for some reason he was in the store then….so he offered to give me a ride home. (Remember, small town, and I lived literally one stop SIGN away from the store, he lived about 3 miles away from the store).

I don’t even remember getting ready for this date. I had to look this part up. I did shower and change obviously, and was ready in about 30 minutes flat. I think I wore just jeans and a sweater, I didn’t wear makeup then, still don’t, so the biggest thing was probably my hair. At the time it was long, naturally curly, and glorious. I miss that hair.

He picked me up right on time.

He was a perfect gentleman the whole night. I even made a note of that. He opened doors for me! We had some time to kill before the movie (“Dr. Giggles” a total slasher movie, perfect for a Halloween date!) so we drove a bit, caught up on what he was doing at school, stopped at a Baskin Robbins, and then went into the theater. I remember that we got our seats and then he left for a bit and when he came back I could tell he’d had a cig. No big deal, I guess he was nervous too.

We sat there for a while like total strangers and then it happened.

He slowly started kind of leaning over. Soon our arms/shoulders were touching. I am crackin up writing this by the way. Then his hand was on my knee and somehow I had a hold of the underneath of the arm of his sweatshirt. Something in the movie was funny, we laughed, and then my hand was resting on top of MY knee. He made the move like he was going to hold my hand and I pulled my hand away. He said to me, “what, you aren’t going to let me hold your hand?” I was a total dork and said, “Oh sorry I didn’t know that is what you were doing…..” we laughed and then he just took my hand and held it.

We would look at each other every so often throughout the rest of the movie and hold our gaze. I swear to you I am NOT making this up. I swear. I am sitting here with the journal right next to me so I get it right! I know I KNOW it sounds so brat pack movie cheesy but it is what it is.

We kept getting closer to each other, you know, like trying to press through the seats to each other. Remember, this was way back before theaters were first date friendly, you were seriously each in your own seat. None of this lifting the arm rest convenience. Damn that would have changed history. Anyway, so how we didn’t just jump each other right then and there in the theater I don’t’ know. I mean, I remember those looks I can feel them right now just thinking back to that night. It was like, this whole, here we are. FINALLY. Here. We. Are. Moment.

The movie was over; it was late so he just drove me home.

I think in the car ride home I grabbed a piece of gum, you know, because with every ounce of my soul I was hoping for that good night kiss. It was all I had ever wanted in my life up to that point. I had it all planned out. In my mind he was a Christopher Reeves kisser, he would tilt his head ever so slightly, cup my face in his hands and melt my soul with the kind of kiss that an 18 year old boy can deliver. I just knew it. It had to be.

So we pull up to my house and he gets out of the car.

This is where you need to use your imagination and slow down time with me. You have to understand this is all happening in slow motion but at the same time at the speed of light.

I can’t swallow gum. I’ve never done it so I guess I can’t say that I can’t. It isn’t a physical impossibility, but a mental one. All I could think of from the moment that door shut on his side was WHAT  DO I DO WITH MY GUM??? It was bad enough that while technically I’d been kissed before, I’d never really been kissed. I mean, the first one was just a wet, soft, little peck on the lips goodnight kiss. Granted, I nearly died from that, but it was really just a freebie. So my mind is racing with how this all goes down. Throw in a little gum and I am a wreck. What do you do with the gum when you kiss? I just KNEW if I swallowed that gum I would choke and die on the spot, in his car. But I had no piece of paper, no tissue, no nothing to put the damn wad of gum in. I wasn’t a spitter so I knew that was out of the question, besides, he would see if not hear that. And I knew if I spit it out into my fingers with the intent of dropping it to the ground the split second that door opened, it would suddenly turn to molten taffy and be stuck to my fingers. So I spit it out in my hand and closed my hand around it. I put my hand in my coat pocket. He let me out of the car. We walked to the door. I never once made eye contact with him. I thanked him, I told him I had a great time, and I grabbed the handle of the front door and pulled it open. It was at that moment that I felt the shift. The romance was gone. And this is super slow motion, hand on the door, I turned to say one more goodnight and he was already off the porch! He was pissed. I could feel it. He sped off. I was so elated at the date and yet utterly ashamed of myself at the same time. How could I let that happen?

 

In hindsight….

Probably not too fair of me to post what I did last night. I am considering taking it down. The hub knows I wrote about it, though he doens’t know my website. Please, just remember, there are two sides to every story and I am sure in his eyes I am deserving of a post equally as long from his point of view.

happy fargin thanksgiving.

What a rotten day.

I am sick. Like I have a cold.

All I wanted was to sleep in this morning.

But it was not to be.

it wasn’t too long after the hub got up with my son and changed his diaper that the shit started hitting the fan.

A little background. So the first part of this week my son was sick. Then I started coming down with it tuesday night. by yesterday I was feeling pretty much like poo. Since my son was still a bit sick, and we had a long weekend ahead, I made a doctor apt for him. Before that I tried desparately to get the house set right. See we just got back from vacation on Saturday and while I had the luggage unpacked and the stuff put away, the after math packing for the trip was still everywhere. By this I mean, piles of receipts and stuff from emptying bags, random baskets of clean and folded laundry from picking out clothes to take on the trip. The night before we flew out my son decided to take every single pillow and blanket out of his room and throw it into the living room for some sort of massive jump pile. So I had some straighing up to do.

But with a massive headcold coming on, every single little thing took all the effort I had. Not to mention that I was still worried about Olly and how he was doing and how to get him to eat something, but what was I coming down with and should we go to my mom’s for thanksgiving. So I started in the kitchen.

I gathered up anything that didn’t belong in the kitchen (i.e. hotwheels, trains, notebooks, all sorts of stuff) and put it in the room it belonged. I picked up everything off fo the floor so that I could vacuum and swiffer it after I loaded the dishwasher and did extra dishes.

I got the dishwasher loaded. I filled the sink with hot soapy water for the stuff that didn’t fit. I took out the trash and the recycling. Then we did a diaper change. Well during the diaper change he farted and said he wanted some mm’s and so wanted to sit on the potty to poo. Ok, off we go. Well then he got on the potty and saw the funnew bath toy that he had the night before and wanted to forgo the MM’s, and I quote, “I don’t need ‘em” and get in the tub.

ok, well getting him to bathe sometimes is a fight so I went with it. so then we take a bath.

Then we fight to get out of the bath. Then we get dressed. Now we are hungry. And I am spent.

So I make lunch. and the next thing you know it’s time to get showered and ready to go to the doctor’s.

we go. We find out he is neg for strep. I call my family to let them know that he is fine, not contagious, but I am coming down with something and how would they feel about us coming up for the holiday. My mom was all weird and said it was strictly between my sister and I. so I phoned her and she was totally weird. So I was like fuck you guys I know when I am not wanted. I mean, I know I am sick but it woudl have been nice to hear, you know, we will miss you and we wiss you felt better. It won’t be the same without you but you should rest up. Next time you are home we will do a scaled down version or something.

but no, it was just weird silence.

So I was up set about that, feeling worse, and it was raining.

we went to mcd and then home.

Now it’s like 4 and I have to recount the whole thing to my hub and start trying to figure out what we are actually doing for the holiday.

And I am feeling worse and worse.

Mean while, the dishwasher has been run, but the sink is still full of water and about 6 sippy cups. and since i wasn’t DONE, I didn’t wipe off the counter.

So ok, we decide to wing it for ourselves the next day as far as food goes, we would get chinese take out for last night and that I hsould still try to get Oliver donw for a nap. So I tried, but while I was totally exhausted and feeling like shit he was starting to come out of his funk and finally felt better. So he was a pistol.

the hub got home we ate and I crashed on the couch. He said he would get the table later. As in put the left overs away.

so now we are up to speed. now it is Thanksgiving morning, I am sick as a dog and the hub just got up with my son. They play for a few minutes and then I hear him say let’s work on the kitchen.

oh boy. so now I am so anxious and waiting for the screaming to begin that I can’t even sleep. Sure enough.

First he goes ballistic over trash bags.

We are out of trash bags under the kitchen sink.

BUT I have a humungous roll of them in the laundry room on the washer. They are leftover from when we used the diaper pail. Rather than buy more for the kitchen, since these work just fine, I just use those. I don’t put them under the sink b/c the roll is so huge. So he storms in the bedroom where I am as far as he knows totally asleep.

He starts going off on me about being out of kitchen trash bags.Of course we are out of them. (like, this is typical of me or something) How the fuck can we be out of trash bags? He storms. I start to explain that there is a huge roll of them on the washer but he storms off and slams the door behind him.

So I fly out of bed and start yelling at him that if he had let me finish I was explaining to him where there were more. And he just went nuts.

I don’t know if I can even remember all of it. It was just a slew of swear words and how I am pig and I leave in filth and my kitchen looks like a savage animal lives there and on and on and on. it literally felt like someone punched me in the chest. I just felt winded. I was stunned. The kitchen, while not perfect, was not any where near dirty.

I don’t even remember what I said to him. I just went back to bed.

I curled up and bawled and bawled.

I hated him with every fiber of my body. Or so I thought. But there was more to come and I found I hated him more.

I tried to go back to sleep but he was slamming things around and being an ass to Olly, as in totally not paying attention to him at all. so I was worried. As I lay there I thought how unfair he was being. He pulls this on me all the time.

ALL THE TIME.

he will tell me the kitchen is fine. That i am sick or Olly is sick and that getting better is my priority. To not worry about it. Just leave it. No big deal. And then blam out of left field he starts acting like I have maggots crawlingon the counter and garbage overflowing.

I would say if not every time, at least every other time, b/c I hardly get to sleep in, when I do sleep in, this happens. it is like he sabatages me. he waits for it. One time, he was even pissed that I got up at 11:30 b/c he was purposfully letting me sleep to see if i would sleep until noon and then he could hold that over my head. not making it up, he confessed it to me.

So finally I got up. I sat with my son for a few minutes and then I took a shower.

And then it got very very ugly.

I showered and dressed and when i walked back out into the living room he was standing in the kitchen. Arms crossed just glaring. I asked if I was supposed to come in there or what.

He told me no. That I was fired. that I was no longer allowed to handle the kitchen b/c I can’t. And proceeded to rip into me again about how filthy it is.

And I lost it. I started screaming, and I mean screaming back at him, he wasn’t answering my question about what was filthy so I slammed my hand so hard on the counter I don’t know honestly how I didn’t break it in two. My hand was red for an hour. I told him I wanted to know EXACTLY what was so filthy about my kitchen.

turns out there was a small pile of dirt in the far corner where I had a pumpkin. I had a pumpkin sitting there. when we got back from vacation it was starting to rot. I threw it out. yes, it left behind a dry very small pile of dirt.

since we got back from vacation I haven’t cooked a meal. It has been subway or take out. Or maybe spaghetti, but that is all pour and heat, no food prep. i’ve been working on gettting the kitchen in order for three days, but there is always a mess. I load the dishwasher and run it, while it is being run or over night orwhatever, you know what, WE LIVE IN THE HOUSE WE GENERATE DISHES. It is a constant clean up. That kitchen is never clean for more than an hour unless it is overnight. So I hadn’t moved everything off of the counter and done a full wipe down.

then he goes off on the counter on the other side of the kitchen.

On this particular piece i have the coffee pot. now, before we left for vactiaon we had some apples from our trip to the pumpkin farm that were starting to turn. so I thought it would be cool to get out our juicer from the garage and show Oliver how to make juice. We made juice, he could ahve cared less. So I ran all the parts through the dishwasher and parked the machine on the counter that we NEVER DO FOOD PREP on. I thought maybe with this clena eating thing I want to try I would start making my own juice. So i left it out.

Then my son has been hooked on this damn cartoon with ducks and all they drink are milkshakes. I rmembered that we have a hamilton beach drink mixer. you know the ones with the big stainless steel cup and the rod that goes down in it and mixes one drink at a time? so i got that out and we made “milkshakes” (bananas, yogurt and milk) in an effort to get him to eat. It worked for a couple days and that was it. But I thought I’d give it a go when we got back. so that was on the counter CLEAN as well.

He went NUTS. Over “all this shit” on the counter.

Then he starts screaming about how he doesn’t know where anything is or where anything goes. Oh wait he was also pissed b/c there two rolls of paper towel on the counter.

he starts going off on how horrible I am at the kitchen and how he “gives me a paycheck everyweek” and I still can’t do anything.

Mind you this whole time , my son is sitting in the living room. I am bawling my face off. Hating him with every ounce that I can find, wondering how I got here and where can I go. I told him how much I hated him.

for the first time ever I said it out loud. He says it to me. When we fight. He calls me a fucking moron, a c-bomb, a dumb c-bomb, useless bitch, all sorts of stuff, but about the worst I’ve said to him outloud is ass. I’ve curled up in a ball at night and wondered how to get out of this. What I would do. how much I hate him. Wondered if I’ve always hated him or if this is just recent. If this is my fault. If I really hate him or I just can’t see straight at the moment, if this is some kind of panic button I am hitting. But I’ve never said it out loud.

Until. Today.

I was just so mad that he totally set me up. That he had to pick on me about this assinine stuff today, thanksgiving, when I am fucking sick as a dog, which reminds me what the hell I am doing up at 2:30 in the morning I’ll never nknow, and when my son is right there. I couldn’t even stand it. And when i looked at him and said I hate you so much right now. He looked right back at me and smiled and said right back at ya.

I ran to my room like I was 8 and just sobbed into my pillow. I wanted to take Olly and just head to my mom’s. Cold be damned. I just wanted out. And then Oliver came in and started stroking my leg, and handing me my glass of water next to my bed, and asking me if I was ok.

So then I was humiliated even more. Ashamed of the way I behaved in front of my son. Ashamed of my marriage.

After that it is all a blur. He came in, my husband, and started picking at me more for something else I dont’ even remember. Just more swearing and telling me how useless I was in the kitchen. How I had been fired and wasn’t allowed in there anymore.  then he told me he was willing to work with me to get it into shape.

I collected myself for a minute and went out there with him. And then he was ridiculous again. I have an OXO container for spaghetti. I keep it on the counter next to the stove. He told me that was filthy to keep it there.

I keep the softscrub on the edge of the sink, by the dishsoap. He told me that was disgusting.

I have a two tiered pull out shelving unit under the kitchen sink for thinkgs like the clorox spray and some scrubbies and my gloves, all the little PITA shit. He went to pull out one drawer and it got hung up on the glove and he started in on that about how , yeah, that’s some system you got going there.

In some fairness to him he did sit down and go through the cupboards and finally agree to get rid of HIS bulky food items that he was hanging on to but not eating….claiming he didn’t know they were there , even though he wanted to save them from the last purge. He did agree to get rid of some big bulky cutting boards that are wood and that we don’t use anymore.

but he does this and I hate it. Everything is fine fine fine. Doesn’t matter how things look. he tells me it is ok, that he understands. And then he explodes and treats me like this. And then he will clean everything and say, look, doesn’t that clean counter make you feel great? and I think to myself, yeah, and three weeks agao I had itlike that and you didn’t say shit, if I mention it you ask if I want a badge.

I can’t win.

So it was a pretty shitty day.

We were ok to each other after we worked in the kitchen but we haven’t touched or hugged or any kind of physical contact all day. He is on the computer “behind closed doors”" now….while I sit out here typing away and hacking my brains out.

Thanks for listening. I hope you all had a much better day than this.

A first.

For the first time in my life I am not heading home for Thanksgiving.

This has become a huge deal for me. Something that I’ve started telling like, everyone. Weird I know.

And why I am not going “home”?.

Well we got back from vacation on Saturday and on Monday Olly was sporting a kick ass fever. I mean we are talking spike at 104.9…..But I kept my head and just bathed him, hydrated him, and gave him Tylenol and Motrin, and sleep. And since it would go down with each dose I wasn’t worried…too much. He was clearly out of sorts and in discomfort. Then last night I noticed some spots on his throat. Despite having no fever I made an apointment with the doc today. We could only see the phys. asst.

She looked at his throat and agreed we shoudl do a throat culture. turns out he was neg for strep. Which is good b/c I was worried that was what was going on.

He has had no temp for over 24 hours with no meds so that is good too. I do think his throat is sore despite his denial. he is sucking down ice and 7up and popsicles like no tomorrow.

And then there is me. I started coming down with something last night and could tell this morning that I am very clearly sick.

So in the interest of everyone I thought I’d back out.

Ugh. My post was supposed to be much more detailed and happy but I just can’t get it going tonight

I feel like such a shitty blogger lately but I can’t stay focused very long to actually spit out a post.

one thing I would be curious to know from anyone who is reading this, have you heard of or follow clean eating? I am seriously reserching this stuff right now and I think this is my answer.  So any feed back is welcome.

thanks

 

Babble

I’m a bit of a mess right now.

My son has had a raging temp for a day now. it all started yesterday morning. It was a crazy morning. We had to get up early and follow my husband to the car repair place and then drive him to work since he was leaving his car for, yep, repairs.  Since his office is right around the corner from Whole Foods, I planned to go there, but it was clear by the time we got the auto shop that he was sick. He was burning up, whimpering, lethargic.

So I scrapped the WF and we just went home. His temp was something like 104. I gave him some motrin and he passed out on the couch for about 30 minutes. The rest of the day was spent managing him and trying to pick up the house. As long as he is on motrin or Tylenol he is ok…..Last night though it spiked at 104.9…..no shit. But about 30 minutes later, maybe 45, after he had Tylenol in him for as long, it dropped.  So it is clear he is just fighting off something.

Of course, this throws a wrench in Thanksgiving. To travel or not.  All other holidays, even the biggies like Christmas, I have missed with my family. For some reason though, in 35 years I’ve never ever missed a Thanksgiving. It helps that Canada has their thanksgiving in Oct so there was never a clash that way, but still, in college, married, single, whatever, I’ve always made it home for Thanksgiving.

And it is usually miserable and still I’ve never not gone. I toy with the idea of not going but I just can’t bring myself to not go.

The last three years it’s become even trickier. We take our vacation the week before…so we fly back in on Saturday and then on thanksgiving morning we drive to my mom’s. Then on that Sunday our dear friend from Germany arrives. He is some big shot business man and just happens to always have a conference in Chicago that last week in nov/first week in Dec. And since we’ve had Olly he stays in a hotel downtown so I dont’ have to worry about accomodations for him, but I still need to have the house picked up for a visit.

So I am kind of stressed right now.

I managed to pick up a little biti yesterday around the house bit it still looks terrible. God Bless all these moms, working or not, that can stay ontop of their housework. I can’t. I suck at it. I would rather go numb from the waist down b/c I’ve been sitting here on the laptop than wash a window or a dish. I’m terrible. I know.

I am excited about something else though. At my last therapy session we talked about my need to educate myself on all things pertaining to weight loss. i mean, obviously we all know about calories in and calories out. But what I want and need to better understand is the food itself. I really want to know more about food combining and nutrition. Both for myself and for Oliver. and then I need a plan. A plan to implement that knowledge. When you think about it, I wanted to learn to sew. I sat down, I researched  the hell out of it. Machines, notions, tools, any how to I could get my hands on. I still do. Every single day. I wanted to learn about something and I did. So why should diet and nutrition be any different. Of course I haven’t mentioned this to my hub. Which sort of makes it more fun. it’s like Top Secret.

So in looking for books about this sort of thing I found some cool ones and one of them came in today. i had a hold on it at the library. so I really want to go get it. 

Anyway, posting on my blog isn’t helping the house get picked up is it. oh well.

Talk to you later!

i’m back.

Back from Florida last night. Still trying to catch up today.
I just woke up from a totally unplanned nap on the couch. are those the best or what! I mean, it was so unplanned I still had my “goin’ out clothes on”. Translation, I was wearing my bra and my jeans, I hadnt’ even changed into fat clothes! woot woot.
Vacation was good. I would give it a 5 out of 5 though. For many reasons. All of which I will totally blog about as soon as I can. For now I need to wake up, brush my teeth and head over to the store for some much needed groceries…..

At last….

So much background for this post but in a nutshell….12 years later I got my anniversary band! Seriously, I think I only got married for that band. I’ve been looking at them since we were looking at solitares for the engagement. I’m serious. For the longest time I had my eye on the mother of them all. it was $3K. I know I know. But I don’t wear jewelry and I don’t ask for jewelry. And that was the last piece i wanted. I’ve got my wedding band and engagement ring, my pendant and I only wanted the annivesary band. Well for the 10 year, which is typically when you get it, we just didn’t get it.

So fast forward to tonight. We had BOGO coupons for Texas de brazil for our anniversary. I have to get my pendant cleaned every 6 months so since both places are at the mall I decided to do the necklace tonight. Only tonight I wanted the hub to go with me so they wouldn’t pressure me into anything and b/c he needed a new wedding band. yep, we are that fat. So anyway our sales lady is there and she cleans my necklace and starts showing hub the rings for him. While I am standing there I am like, omg I can’t remember which one is THE one. I was totally embarassed.

so she shows me and then we start looking at all these anniversary bands and comparing the different settings etc. and well they had one, very nearly the one I originally picked out but at a stupid low price and she took even more off of it for us, like an extra $150 or something. so next thing I know I’m filling out the paper work for it. I’m dying over here I can’t wait to get it. I am so excited. I’ve not been wearing my diamond b/c I am so terrified of scratching Olly, oh and it doesn’t exactly fit anymore but still, when it did, I hardly wore it b/c I didn’t want to hurt him. And this sounds so girly and silly and materialistic, but I’ve missed my diamond! I want my sparkle on my hand. That is the only piece of jewelry I’ve truly pined for over the years.